SMALL (GIRL) CHILD: (joyously, clapping hands) jelly! Jelly! Jelly! Yay!
...Oh, to be young again...
Alice x
Thursday, 10 March 2016
Wednesday, 9 March 2016
Sorry For The Lack Of Posts.
Things have been...
Ugh.
I've been feeling pretty low.
Then I decided to evaluate my life thus far.
And now I feel worse.
The following things are apparent:
1. If I don't get my eating under control and stop 'comfort'-gorging (as I believe the modern term is), I am going to keep getting bigger, and more and more uncomfortable, and more and more unhealthy until I can't move.
Which would be very, very bad.
2. I am perfectly happy living where I am; with Mother, the dog and the cat.
It's hard for others to understand. Even those that know the two of us well - well enough to know that I am not yet another example of the dreaded stereotype; an adult aged child, coddled and waited on hand and foot by Mommy and never having to grow up - don't get it, and it is difficult to explain (particularly without becoming defensive. Being constantly prejudged and labelled as an immature loafer by people who do not know and have no real idea about any situation but their own does that to a person). They don't understand why I don't yearn - as they did/do - for "my own space".
One reason is that I am (at present and unless my feelings change for the foreseeable future) romantically unattached, and that I at the same time have no interest in living alone, which leaves the choice between living with a house or flatmate that is family, or one that isn't. Another is that while my meager wage is enough to live on independently, it is only just do-able; once the essential (and I mean 'essential') bills are paid there would be nothing left over for anything at all, and why - as one of my friends put it a while back, though I forget which one it was - scrape and live uncomfortably alone when you can scrape quite a bit less and live a whole lot more comfortably with someone else?
But that isn't it, really. Simply put: I live with Mother and Mother lives with me, because we like it that way. Both of us, neither one more or less than the other.
On a practical level, we share bills and split life's responsibilities and daily chores between us, each contributing equally, both financially and pragmatically, in our own way. On an emotional level, we are a Team. Like all pretty great Teams, we have interests in common and interests apart, which gives us the company and space we both need. Like all realistically imperfect teams, there are things about each of us that the other finds irritating at best - and when in an exceptionally bad mood, intolerable at worst - but this is to be expected, and 99% of the time these differences are both accepted and tolerated, because that's what people living happily together do (the other 1% being the 'realistically imperfect' part, because we're human and for two people to live together without having the slightest disagreement ever about anything, is, well, unrealistic). Most importantly, however, like all the best Teams; we help one another and support one another through good times and bad, ordinary times and odd. And that's what it boils down to. We are housemates, soulmates, friends; more sisters than mother and daughter. We are...well, we are just GOOD together.
With life's turns and twists, who knows what the future holds. This partnership may change for either good or bad, transmogrify - whether due to another person or an event or both - into something different or end altogether. Who knows? Who cares? All I know is that it is working right now.
3. I am NOT perfectly happy in my current job. It is a job, which I don't hate, and I - indeed, we - are grateful for the money it brings. I am also grateful that the hours I do give me three afternoons free a week from 12:30 onward (not counting my weekly day off), and for the fact that - workplace politics aside - it is nicely uncomplicated. But I want to do something else. Something that doesn't involve me getting filthy and ending most shifts drenched with sweat (sexy).
Which leads me to the next thing.
4. I have no clue what I want to do.
=SIGHS=
Blah.
I have been toying around with ideas in my head for a while now. Ages, actually; years, if I am honest, on and off. Day to day living and dramas here and there - in many, many forms - have provided a nice and almost constant distraction from having to think about it too deeply, but now the thoughts keep coming back and won't go away.
I need to do SOMEthing, I just don't know what.
I have no focus, no direction, no definite or proactive aim (God, I hate 'yuppy speak'). I know change needs to happen, but can't seem to find the motivation inside myself to make a start. Whether that is because I am lazy or because I am scared, I don't know. Perhaps both...?
Anyway. That is where I am, right now.
...Damnit, Best Friend 0.5: why did you have to come and settle nicely back into my life and then make me (properly) think?
This is all your fault!
It has to be.
Because, obviously, it can't be my fault.
Because I am perfect.
...Apart from being a grossly fat, junk-food addict, of course.
...Who has no current goal in life...
...And has yet to finish even one of the (many, many) books she has started writing...
...And will be 32 this year (oh God, oh God!)...
...Yeah.
Apart from that, it's all your fault.
Yep.
=nods=
Yep.
=walks off=
Alice x
Ugh.
I've been feeling pretty low.
Then I decided to evaluate my life thus far.
And now I feel worse.
The following things are apparent:
1. If I don't get my eating under control and stop 'comfort'-gorging (as I believe the modern term is), I am going to keep getting bigger, and more and more uncomfortable, and more and more unhealthy until I can't move.
Which would be very, very bad.
2. I am perfectly happy living where I am; with Mother, the dog and the cat.
It's hard for others to understand. Even those that know the two of us well - well enough to know that I am not yet another example of the dreaded stereotype; an adult aged child, coddled and waited on hand and foot by Mommy and never having to grow up - don't get it, and it is difficult to explain (particularly without becoming defensive. Being constantly prejudged and labelled as an immature loafer by people who do not know and have no real idea about any situation but their own does that to a person). They don't understand why I don't yearn - as they did/do - for "my own space".
One reason is that I am (at present and unless my feelings change for the foreseeable future) romantically unattached, and that I at the same time have no interest in living alone, which leaves the choice between living with a house or flatmate that is family, or one that isn't. Another is that while my meager wage is enough to live on independently, it is only just do-able; once the essential (and I mean 'essential') bills are paid there would be nothing left over for anything at all, and why - as one of my friends put it a while back, though I forget which one it was - scrape and live uncomfortably alone when you can scrape quite a bit less and live a whole lot more comfortably with someone else?
But that isn't it, really. Simply put: I live with Mother and Mother lives with me, because we like it that way. Both of us, neither one more or less than the other.
On a practical level, we share bills and split life's responsibilities and daily chores between us, each contributing equally, both financially and pragmatically, in our own way. On an emotional level, we are a Team. Like all pretty great Teams, we have interests in common and interests apart, which gives us the company and space we both need. Like all realistically imperfect teams, there are things about each of us that the other finds irritating at best - and when in an exceptionally bad mood, intolerable at worst - but this is to be expected, and 99% of the time these differences are both accepted and tolerated, because that's what people living happily together do (the other 1% being the 'realistically imperfect' part, because we're human and for two people to live together without having the slightest disagreement ever about anything, is, well, unrealistic). Most importantly, however, like all the best Teams; we help one another and support one another through good times and bad, ordinary times and odd. And that's what it boils down to. We are housemates, soulmates, friends; more sisters than mother and daughter. We are...well, we are just GOOD together.
With life's turns and twists, who knows what the future holds. This partnership may change for either good or bad, transmogrify - whether due to another person or an event or both - into something different or end altogether. Who knows? Who cares? All I know is that it is working right now.
3. I am NOT perfectly happy in my current job. It is a job, which I don't hate, and I - indeed, we - are grateful for the money it brings. I am also grateful that the hours I do give me three afternoons free a week from 12:30 onward (not counting my weekly day off), and for the fact that - workplace politics aside - it is nicely uncomplicated. But I want to do something else. Something that doesn't involve me getting filthy and ending most shifts drenched with sweat (sexy).
Which leads me to the next thing.
4. I have no clue what I want to do.
=SIGHS=
Blah.
I have been toying around with ideas in my head for a while now. Ages, actually; years, if I am honest, on and off. Day to day living and dramas here and there - in many, many forms - have provided a nice and almost constant distraction from having to think about it too deeply, but now the thoughts keep coming back and won't go away.
I need to do SOMEthing, I just don't know what.
I have no focus, no direction, no definite or proactive aim (God, I hate 'yuppy speak'). I know change needs to happen, but can't seem to find the motivation inside myself to make a start. Whether that is because I am lazy or because I am scared, I don't know. Perhaps both...?
Anyway. That is where I am, right now.
...Damnit, Best Friend 0.5: why did you have to come and settle nicely back into my life and then make me (properly) think?
This is all your fault!
It has to be.
Because, obviously, it can't be my fault.
Because I am perfect.
...Apart from being a grossly fat, junk-food addict, of course.
...Who has no current goal in life...
...And has yet to finish even one of the (many, many) books she has started writing...
...And will be 32 this year (oh God, oh God!)...
...Yeah.
Apart from that, it's all your fault.
Yep.
=nods=
Yep.
=walks off=
Alice x
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