Conversations With The Grandmama*.

CONVERSATION 1:

~.START.~

(Scene is set; Alice is busy at work. Her mobile phone =beeps!=. A while later, once in a secluded spot, she checks to see who the message is from...)

GRANDMAMA: Al, could you go to the library and order me a book; erotic failures, thanks, Nan.
ALICE: (blinks, then replies) ...er, 'erotic failures', Grandmama?
GRANDMAMA: yes, that's right: erotic failures. Your mother had the book years ago, she had it from the library and I thought it was very funny, would really like to read it again.
ALICE: (looking forward to and dreading mentioning this to a Librarian at the same time) Okay, Grandmama; I shall pop in on my way from from work.
GRANDMAMA: thanks, Al, much appreciated, love from Nan. xxx

(Scene continues with Alice entering the Library sometime later and presenting this request to a puzzled Librarian. After gamely typing it into the computer - which, unsurprisingly produced no results - she goes and asks another Librarian, who asks another in turn, then another, until someone pipes up with "there's a book called 'HEROIC failures' and that's a comedy; could she mean that?'. Scene then ends.)

~.END.~

CONVERSATION 2:

~.START.~

(Scene is set; Alice is at work. Her mobile phone =beeps!=. As she is sat in the canteen and on her break, she is able to look at it immediately...)

GRANDMAMA: Al, I have a crack cabinet in my bathroom, would you like it?
ALICE: (blinks, then says aloud) I take it that she means 'corner' cabinet, as apposed to a cabinet that one keeps 'crack' in.
STORE STAFF MEMBER: (looks at message over Alice's shoulder, giggle-snorts) Yeah.

~.END.~

CONVERSATION 3:

~.START.~

(Scene is set; Alice is at Grandmama's flat. Grandmama has set aside an outfit that she wants Alice to try on. Due to her overly generous nature, Grandmama is predictably excited and happy at the thought of giving Alice a gift. The outfit is comprised of a straight 'pencil' skirt; blue in colour and ankle length with a slit in the side, and a top comprised of many thin layers; also blue. The trying on of the skirt goes well. Then comes stage two: trying on the top...)

GRANDMAMA: (eagerly, hobbling in to the bedroom) come on! Off with that. We need to put the top on. Now, it's quite fiddly, 'cause of all the layers, so I'll help you.
ALICE: (doubtfully, looking at the garment Grandmama is wrestling with) I'm not sure, Grandmama; it looks quite flimsy. Are you sure it isn't see-through?
GRANDMAMA: (jovially) of course it isn't! I wouldn't have brought it if it was. Come on, come on, it's ready: put it over your head.
ALICE: (still doubtful, but obedient) Okay...
GRANDMAMA: (bustling, pulling garment with difficulty over head) good, good. There you go, there, it's on. Now we just need to pull it down...
ALICE: (being painfully and unskillfully manhandled) um, Grandmama, I think it's too small. My shoulders are too wide.
GRANDMAMA: (still determinedly manhandling) Nonsense! It's fine! We just need to get all (grunt!) the layers (grunt!) down...
ALICE: (trying to speak forcefully) Grandmama, it is too small. It won't go over my bust. My bust is too big for it.
GRANDMAMA: (intent on task, not listening) just got to find one more layer at the back and then we can pull the whole thing down!
ALICE: (exasperated) Grandmama, it will not fit over my- oh my Lord, ow!
GRANDMAMA: (pulling like no woman has ever pulled before) here we go, it's coming along now!
ALICE: (gasping as bust is unmercifully squashed down) oh,..my,,.ow, ow..Grandmama it is...it won't...ow, OW...Grandmama I can't breathe...I can't,,,
GRANDMAMA: (stepping back after one last tug, triumphant) there! Oh, Al, that looks marvelous, it does! You look like a million dollars!
ALICE: (still gasping slightly) ...I...can't...breathe...
GRANDMAMA: (shouting joyfully through to the living room) Wen! Wen! You've got to see it! Oh, she looks lovely, she does! Al; come and show your Mother, come on!
ALICE: (still gasping slightly) ...I...can't...breathe...
GRANDMAMA: (dismissive, grabbing Alice's hand and pulling her along behind her) oh, shush, you don't need don't need to breathe; don't be silly...

(Scene ends; with Alice submitting to a photograph being taken and then fleeing back into the bedroom to release her chest from its prison of discomfort, and then taking part in a heated discussion on the subject of whether subjecting her breasts to said prison of discomfort ever again was a either a good or a bad idea.)

~.END.~

CONVERSATION 4:

(Scene is set; it is the week following the incident with the Garment of Torture - as it has since become known - and Grandmama is in an equally jubilant mood to last time, which is suspicious. A few moments into the visit, Alice's suspicions are proved correct as Grandmama sneaks a crafty look at Mother and retrieves a clothing catalogue from the side of her chair...)

GRANDMAMA: (weedling voice) Al-ice...?
ALICE: (wary) ye-es...?
GRANDMAMA: (starts leafing through catalogue) I saw this top in D-MART, and thought it would go really really well with your skirt. Hold on...
ALICE and MOTHER: ...(exchange glances)...
ALICE: (wearily firm) Grandmama, I don't think...
GRANDMAMA: (locating the page) there! Here it is; £22.99. Look.
ALICE: (sighs. looks. sighs again) Grandmama, that is exactly the same top. And anyway...
GRANDMAMA: (pouts, interrupts) it is not! It's completely different!
ALICE: (wearily firm) it is the same top. And anyway, I don't need it.
GRANDMAMA: (pouts more) it's really lovely. Just £22.99. It would look really lovely...
ALICE: (wearily firm) I'm sure it does, but I don't need it. I have lots of tops that would go really well with the skirt already.
GRANDMAMA: (plaintive) ..but...
ALICE: (smiling encouragingly) look, this top I have on now; this goes well with it. I showed it to Mother, and she agreed that it looked nice. It looked really lovely, didn't it?
MOTHER: (smiles, nods) it did.
ALICE: (turns to Grandmama, still smiling) see? And I have at least TWO other tops, just as nice. All three would go wonderfully with the skirt. Okay?
GRANDMAMA: (plaintively) ...but...only £22.99...
ALICE and MOTHER: (in unison) we don't need it.
GRANDMAMA: (pouting) ...but...
ALICE and MOTHER: (in unison) we don't need it.
GRANDMAMA: ...(pouts more)...
ALICE: ...(stares back, unmoved)...

(Scene interrupts; radio program begins and conversation is skillfully steered away from subject by Mother. A little while later, however, Grandmama is reminded by an advert of something...)

GRANDMAMA: (suddenly indignant) that reminds me! You know your Aunt Pat?
ALICE and MOTHER: (in unison, baffled by the unexpected change in mood) ...yes...?
GRANDMAMA: (glaring) you know that she wants me to follow the Olympic games on the television?
ALICE and MOTHER: (in unison, still baffled) ...yes...?
GRANDMAMA: (continuing) well, she said that next week's Radio Times was going to have a special booklet in it all about the Olympic Games. She rang and told me about it and asked me if I'd make sure I brought it, and I said I would. I asked her, twice, I asked her if it was definitely this coming week that the booklet was coming out - because I didn't think the Olympic Games started yet - because I already have a TV paper delivered, and would have to buy it specially, and she said yes, it is, definitely, and so I got Sheila to go out and get it and gave her the money,
ALICE and MOTHER: (in unison, seeing where this is going) ...yes...?
GRANDMAMA: (growing more and more indignant) so, Sheila popped out specially and went to the Newsagents and brought me a Radio Times ...(lips purse together)... £2.30 it cost. £2.30! And you know what happened?
ALICE and MOTHER: (in unison) the booklet is going to be in next week's paper?
GRANDMAMA: (shrilly echoing) the booklet is going to be in next week's paper! I rang Pat up, straight away, and she was ever so apologetic. She was sure it was to be in this one, she said, then; 'oops'. 'Oops', she says! I'm out £2.30, and she says 'oops'!
ALICE and MOTHER: ...(exchange looks and smiles)...
GRANDMAMA: (sees the look, is baffled, and still indignant) what?
ALICE: (mischievous) Grandmama, do you not, possibly, see the irony of the little rant you've just had?
GRANDMAMA: (still baffled, still indignant) well, I paid £2.30 and I didn't need to. I asked Pat, specially, and I paid the money, and I didn't need to.
ALICE: (smiling) so, you are miffed, correct?
GRANDMAMA: (still baffled, still indignant) well, yes! I'm out £2.30 and now I'm stuck with a bloody Radio Times that I don't want! Of course I'm miffed!
ALICE: (smiling) and you don't see the irony?
GRANDMAMA: (still baffled, still indignant, getting more indignant) no!
MOTHER: ,,,(stifles giggle)...
GRANDMAMA: ...(glares)...
ALICE: (relents and explains) Grandmama, earlier today you were all worked up and pout-y because I refused to let you waste nigh on £23 on a top I neither want nor need, and here you are blowing a gasket over £2.30!
GRANDMAMA: (pout-y again) oh, don't be like that...
ALICE: (hoots!) it's true! You drop pounds and pounds on things like that top without a second's thought over and over again, and yet £2.30 sends your blood pressure through the roof; it's ridiculous!
GRANDMAMA: (more pout-y) ...but...
ALICE: (firmly) 'but' nothing! You, Grandmama, are ridiculous.
GRANDMAMA: ...(turns to Mother for sympathy, gets none)...
GRANDMAMA: (as pout-y as pout-y can be) you are awful, you are, to your poor old Nan.
ALICE and MOTHER: ...(laugh)...
GRANDMAMA: ...(pouts a bit more, but can't keep it up, and begins to smile)...

(Scene ends; with three women happily laughing and one dog wagging his tail.)

~.END.~

Alice x

* text messages from the Grandmama have been edited by myself to include (minimal) grammar and remove multiple examples of 'text speak'. In short: I took steps to make the damn things readable.

Life, And Other Such Creatures.

Well, things are beginning to come to a head, Chez Collison.

The Grandmama's operation was a complete success, and she is going from strength to strength (and sending me on a LOT of errands in the process).

 After being shuttled from pillar to post, The Great Aunt will shortly be transferred to a Nursing Home in Kidderminster: Holmwood Care & Nursing Centre. It is a very nice place; the reputation is splendid, the people seem very caring and professional, and at least two members of staff are known to members of our extended family. The only problem is the size of the room, which is (admittedly) very small. But still, you can't have everything. And in any case, The Great Aunt is at her happiest sitting and watching comings and goings around her; you can't do that holed up in your room, no matter how large it is.

Decisions regarding The Mother will be made by the end of this week. I can't say any more than that until everything is done and dusted, but suffice to say, no matter what happens, the days of my having disposable income to throw at things like lunches and milkshakes will be gone, at least for a while (=sighs=).
     BUT, I am sure that things are going to be better, overall, for us, even though we may have to tighten our belts (both figuratively and literally) for a time.

In other news, Bingo's cancerous tumour has returned. This time he needs chemotherapy. The vet is tentatively hopeful that both that and surgery together will do the trick (I've checked the statistics: the chances of success are 50/50). He's having to be referred again though, to give him the best treatment possible. We're waiting to hear back regarding tests on the 6 other lumps he has, and for a phone call from Vale Referrals to arrange an appointment; then we shall know more.
     The object of all the worries is currently sprawled out on his bed, damp from an impromptu swim in a river (that required a good rub down when we got home) and dreaming happy dreams.

Also, I had a very good view of a heron this morning (God bless those binoculars!) in a tree across the river that Bingo decided to take a swim in, and was treated to the sight of him/her taking off, flapping languidly to another tree a little further down and then landing again.

...And that's it (I think).

Anyway, watch this space.
     Changes are afoot.

Alice x