- in that I did three things that I have never done before. Little things, small and inconsequencial things, perhaps, but still things that I had never done before. And in public, as well. Which is big. For me, who thanks to a few schoolhood experiences along with dealings with psychotic/evil neighbours (long story) and my brother (an even longer story), has a fear of doing anything that would cause anybody to take notice of her. Very big.
Anyway, onto the Things.
Thing 1 was that I walked down a public street in a busy part of town reading a book.
It was called The Birthday; I had just borrowed it, along with two others (The Yips and The Finkler Question, if you're interested) from the library, and was eager to get into it immediately. So I did. Then and there.
I had never walked and read at the same time before; firstly because my depth perception is none-to-clever at the best of times (truly. I'm terrible. It's a genuine condition, apparently; has a name and everything) meaning that I would most likely at some point stride straight into a lamppost or over the verge of a canal. And secondly and most importantly because I didn't want anybody to stare at me and think me foolish, or worse. But yesterday when the temptation struck me, instead of regretfully stuffing the book(s) into my bag and forgetting about it, I obeyed the pleading of my Little Inner 'WANT' Person, opened the book up on the first page and then gamely strolled on.
And you know what? Nothing bad happened. I didn't slam into anything or anybody - mostly due to the fact that I was walking at slower than a slow crawl and that every animate object around me saw that I was paying my surroundings no attention whatsoever and hightailed it out of the way - and if anybody stared at me in a scornful fashion, I was unaware of it. In fact, two different people stopped me and asked me, politely, what book I was reading and whether it was any good. One of them gleefully declared that she would order a copy from Amazon. I smiled and carried on, glad that I could have been of service.
By the time I got home I had read three chapters - a ten minute walk from the library. My word, I was walking slowly - and felt possibly unjustifiably but still definitely extremely satisfied.
So that was thing 1.
Things 2 and 3 were joined together, but I believe they both have merit as separate occasions.
It started after the choir rehearsal had finished. I was striding home - as quickly as possible this time; it was rather damp and very windy and cold - and just happened to glance to the right of me at exactly the right time to see a sign emblazoned in the window of our little local Domino's Pizza branch that stopped me in my tracks.
"PERSONAL DEAL FOR 1!" it shouted in big neon red letters: "PERSONAL PIZZA WITH ANY TWO TOPPINGS, DIP AND CAN OF DRINK; £2.99! PICK UP ONLY! GO ON! TREAT YOURSELF!"
I read it three times before deciding that yes, actually, I would 'treat myself', and went inside. I had ordered from the company before (many times, at one point) but not since my ill-fated romance with Mike ended six years before, and definitely not in this way. Anonymously over the phone - with my skinny as an anorexic rake boyfriend answering the door to collect and pay - sure, no problem. But me, shy, fat old me, going into the store itself, alone, to look a (probably skinny) person in the eye and order something that was obviously just for me? Nooooo.
But I did. Yes indeed, I did. I looked the (yes, skinny) person straight in the eye and clearly and without shame ordered a cheese and tomato with sausage and pepperoni (loves me meat, I do, oh yes!), a barbecue dip and a can of Coca-Cola (yes, full sugar). Then I sat down on the little metal bench in full view of the window and any passers by to wait for it to be cooked. Which led neatly to Thing 3. Because I decided that the very best thing that I could do while I waited for my food, having only my choir music with me and no other distraction, was to practice reading aloud the words to the two songs that I was struggling with; one in German and one in French.
Picture me, sat in all my overweight glory in full view of anybody that cared to glance, on a metal bench in a fast food restaurant, wearing my old blue raincoat, my hair messed up by the wind, various Domino's Pizza employees inches away in an open kitchen directly to my right, reading aloud in German (which despite three years and my best efforts in high school, I do not speak) from an uncomfortably large and heavy Madrigals and Partsongs manuscript perched on my lap. Great fun.
I practiced each verse three times, unabashed by the fact that if I could hear every sound and hushed conversation coming from the kitchen then everybody in the kitchen could most definitely hear me, loud and clear; not to mention the customers popping in and out to collect meals they had pre-ordered by phone. Then I decided to move onto the next song and began chanting in French (which I also do not speak). And to make matters even less embarrassing, I decided to start singing it.
Yep. Me, in all my disheveled glory, with my nose in a gigantic green book, singing in my nice, clear, loud voice, in French. It was most likely quite a sight. And sound.
Thankfully for anybody that may have been listening, my name was called a few minutes later and I left, after cheerfully thanking the bemused employee that handed me the bag containing my food, still singing.
Five minutes later I let myself into the house and curled up with an episode of New Tricks to enjoy my well deserved feast.
It was absolutely delicious.
So what d'you think? All these little, inconsequencial things that I suddenly find myself doing (there have been quite a few more of them; I just found those three to be a little more noteworthy than the others) all of a sudden and unexpectedly without caring what people may think of me: a sign of growing empowerment and self ease, or confident steps on a continuous and definite downward spiral into insanity?
Or both?
The jury is out. Join in if you will.
Alice xxx
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