The Dream Started Ordinarily Enough.

Myself and Best Friend 0.5 were sat in Starbucks enjoying our respective drinks – him a gingerbread latte, me a cream blend concoction thing – and chatting.

     Everything was good.

     Everything was normal.

It was as we left that stuff started to get…weird.

To start with, I had apparently decided at a previous date that today would be the day that I would visit every last one of my currently unaware relatives – both close and distantly related, and both living and dead – in turn and with Best Friend 0.5 holding my hand for moral support; confess my homosexuality to them.

     Or at least I assume that I had, because that is precisely what I did. And for those interested, the end results varied, but the overall theme of each encounter was a general awkwardness felt by all present.

That done, we trotted outside the last house and straight into the depths of a Midsomer Murder mystery. Not that that is all that unusual in itself, of course, as I am a big fan of the program; it was the fact that not only were we hunting for a demonic killer as apposed to a human one alongside the fact that Rosemary and Thyme also decided to pop in and get involved that made it a little different from the norm, and also caused quite a bit of friction between both sets of principle characters (along with general confusion over exactly whose case it was).

During an argument over what kind of incantation might best be used to garner information from the latest mangled corpse – Thyme wanted to use the more traditional Bindweed and maple flower blend, while Barnaby swore by Klinswort – Best Friend 0.5 noticed a film crew setting up their wares in the grounds of a nearby manor (the sudden appearance of which caused no surprise at all) and suggested that we leave them to it and go and find out what was happening, so we did.

     Informed by a passing cameraman that it was ready for a new and upcoming period-blend drama (don’t ask. The stupid Dickension series started it), Best Friend 0.5 eagerly asked if we could audition for it, to which the answer was “yes” (of course).

     Sent away to mull over three things about ourselves that would best describe our suitability for the film, we retreated once more to Starbucks – ignoring the violent fracas that appeared to be going on around us involving humans, vampires and, bizarrely, monkeys of various sizes – we sat down with pencil and paper and started brainstorming ideas. Or at least Best Friend 0.5 did. I, as it turned out, knew exactly what I wanted to say, resulting in the following conversation:

BEST FRIEND 0.5: go on then; what three words or phrases would best describe your suitability for the film.

ALICE: (confidently) easy. Loud, larger than life, and with the ability to memorize lines.

BEST FRIEND 0.5: (doubtfully) …really? Memorize? You?

ALICE: (still confident) sure! I’ve always been able to do it; remember all those plays I was in at school? It’s silly things like remembering to brush my hair, send out birthday cards and where I last saw my bank card or mobile phone that I suck at.

BEST FRIEND 0.5: (nodding thoughtfully) oh, right.

Noticing that my piece of paper was grubby, I then went hunting in my black hole of a handbag (metaphorically speaking. Dream or not, this was not something that became literal) for my notepad to retrieve a new piece, as we would be handing the paper in soon (of course) and I wanted it to be perfect. Finding the notepad to be full of Story Scribble (again, of course), I turned back to the bag and started to take everything out, object by object, determined to find one. 

     Glancing up from his piece, which using only a 2b pencil he had managed to turn into a colourful work of art (yet again, of…), Best Friend 0.5 picked up something that caught his eye, a DVD case, and looked at it. Then having looked at it, he tried to get my attention, starting with:

BEST FRIEND 0.5: (obviously stunned) Alice, where did you get this?

ALICE: (still distractedly searching) mm, what?

BEST FRIEND 0.5: (still stunned) this film, from your bag. Where’d you get it?

ALICE: (giving a quick uninterested glance) oh, that. The Grandpapa gave it to me before we left, remember, after giving me that little speech about not understanding but – grudgingly – accepting me for who I was; he said something about how as I was a, “well you know”, I better have this. Something like that, anyway. We were in a rush to get to Great Aunt 2, so I popped it in my bag to look at later.

BEST FRIEND 0.5: (still stunned) …oh…

ALICE: (still rooting through the bag) …why, what is it?

BEST FRIEND 0.5: (still stunned) well…it’s a dirty movie.

ALICE: (still rooting through the bag) what?

BEST FRIEND 0.5: (still stunned) a dirty movie. A dirty movie involving two dominatrix lesbians.

ALICE: (ceasing the search, now stunned herself) really?

BEST FRIEND 0.5: (nodding) …yeah…?

ALICE: (looking at it after it is handed to her) well I never, so it is! I wonder where he got it?

BEST FRIEND 0.5: my question is more why he thought it an appropriate thing to give to his granddaughter.

ALICE: (looking at the explicitly descriptive picture on the front cover) I don’t know really. Perhaps this is what he assumes you do when your granddaughter admits that they are homosexual.

BEST FRIEND 0.5: (incredulous) what, hand out gay S&M porn?

ALICE: (nods thoughtfully) hmm. When you put it like that, it does sound a bit odd.

BEST FRIEND 0.5: (also nodding thoughtfully) indeed… (then, after a pause) …shall we watch it?

ALICE: (scandalized) I beg your pardon!

BEST FRIEND 0.5: (spreading his hands) well, it’ll be educational, won’t it? And in any case, The Grandpapa did give it to you 'specially.

ALICE: (thoughtful again) ...true…

...And that, folks, is the moment when I woke up, leaving the question unanswered.

     Which was annoying to say the least.

     But there you are.

Someone once told me, you know, that dreams are merely a manifestation of our subconscious mind brought to the fore.

     So with that said, when you add all of the above up:

What the heck is the matter with me?!

Alice x

P.S. by the way, for those of you that know who Best Friend 0.5 is (all one of you), when imagining his voice in your head, bear in mind that approximately half the time he is speaking with a distinctly Welsh accent.
     ...Don't ask...