Honesty Is The Best Policy (1):
Well, here I am.
A very dear
friend has asked – no, ordered. No, begged – me to start writing down all of my
worrisome thoughts, really really honestly – brutally honestly – because he is
extremely concerned about me. So, here I am. No matter whether I actually know
properly what my worrisome thoughts ARE, or what to do about them if and when I
do; just start writing, and see where my troubled brain – and I will admit, it
IS troubled – leads me.
So here
goes.
Okay. To sum up. I am jealous of family and friends that are
in relationships because I no longer want to be alone, and yet am terrified by
the thought of NOT being alone, because…I don’t know: I am scared that being
not alone any longer will be worse somehow, or that worse; it will be better
but won’t last. I am also afraid that I will not be able to find someone to be
with me because I won’t be good enough. Not that I am not attractive enough –
although that is a worry too, and one I am working on – but that the inside of
me isn’t good enough: that I am not interesting enough, or funny enough, or
kind enough, or….or ANYTHING enough. Or that the someone will find me nice to
begin with, then get tired of me. That I will be happy, then my heart will be
trodden on again because of something I do, or don’t do, or something I am, or
I am not.
I am worried, too, that my leaving, if and when I leave,
will cause problems for mother and MJ, because they are so used to having me
there. The rational part of my brain tells me that of course they would be
fine, and that even if they’re not, it isn’t as if by having a life separate
from them I won’t be able to help them. But the worries and niggles are all
there underneath. What if they go to pieces? I’ve been a source of support for
the pair of them whenever needed for so long… What if mother has another
breakdown, or my brother spirals back out of control, without my constant
presence there to reassure them? And what if mother cannot survive financially
without me? She may have to leave the place that for the past eight to nine
years has been such a happy home for her: what if that breaks her heart? Or
perhaps she could stay but only if she takes in a lodger; how horribly wrong
might THAT go? Oh, God, it’s such a worry, you see? There are just so many
worries…
So even if I find someone, and for some reason this someone
actually likes me just the way I am, better job or not – we’ll get to that – or
boring or not – working on that – or fat as I am now or thinner or fatter –
working on that too – what then? I’ll have to make a decision. I will have to
make a conscious choice to leave them both and if it goes badly wrong for them
it would be my fault, and then if it goes badly wrong for me it will have been
for nothing anyway, and I KNOW that I am worrying about things that haven’t
happened and may not happen and that it is holding me back from doing things
and that I should just get ON with it, but the worries won’t go AWAY. They just
keep going around and around in my head like malevolent sharks, snapping at
anything that moves.
And the biggest thought looming in my head while I am
sitting here typing, now I am actually making myself think about it, the
biggest worry in my head is that Bingo is getting older and older and his body
is showing signs of getting ready to give out, and within a comparatively short
time – between two to three years from now at best, but given various things
wrong with him, it could be any gosh awful time now – he will die and leave me,
taking my ability to defer decisions with him. And then I will be left with a
truck sized hole in my heart and I will be in pieces, but will eventually have
to pick myself up and start living again and my main reason, my biggest and
best excuse for not making any major changes will be gone and I won’t be able
to delay any longer, because in leaving me, Bingo will be taking away my
existence. Because without him, I have nothing left to show for the past
decade. There will be nothing. And in order for there to be something in the
future I will have to DO something. I will have to make choices and make
changes and what if I make the WRONG decision, or make the WRONG change and
make things worse?
Because right now, things aren’t perfect, but I know where I
am, and what I am doing. Things are familiar. Things are comfortable. But
without Bingo there, my comfort is gone. And there is the crux of it. Oh God.
Right there. Bingo is MY source of support, and now I can see the end of the
tunnel we are in. Within a few short years – and possibly a hell of a lot sooner
than that – we will reach the end of the tunnel and Bingo will turn and go in a
direction that I can’t follow, and he will be gone, and I will have a mass of
new tunnels to pick from and whichever one I pick, I will be going down it
completely alone.
And there it is.
And now I am crying.
So, what I’ve learned in the past hour worth of typing is
that I worry about worries that probably don’t even need worrying about in the
first place, and that I am dreading my dog’s demise because I am a coward who
doesn’t want to face the future.
I hate thinking.
B.C.B.F.L.B. x
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