In the end, we didn't go.
The main factor in the final decision was the journey. After researching it fully we knew that at best and with all running smoothly, there would be 10 hours travel, then an overnight stay, then the funeral, then another overnights stay, then 10 hours travel home. The more we found out, the more conflicted MJ became. He knew as well as we did that even if it had been possible to get it all over and done with in one day he would not have coped well, if at all. The prospect of three full days, most of two of them stuck on a train or bus, was positively terrifying for him. And yet, like me, he still felt torn. As though he ought to go, as though if he didn't, he would be doing something terribly wrong, not just by his father but by the man's widow, as well.
Then there was the money. Now, I want it understood that in actuality, this wasn't a problem. It was expensive, yes (around £600 for the two of us including travel and accommodation), but mother and I had already discussed it and the money had been set aside; a gift from her to us. We had also had offers of help from various family members, with it made clear that no matter what my father's past behaviour had been (or MJ's for that matter), nobody begrudged us the cost of attending the funeral, providing that that was what we wished to do. But MJ...he became fixated on it, saying over and over again how it wasn't fair that after dad had abandoned her and left her in thousands worth of debt, mother should be out of pocket again because of him.
In the end, overwhelmed and desperate, I sent a message to the widow outlining our predicament.
She rang back, immediately.
The exact details of the conversation have been lost in my mind, obscured in a haze of mental exhaustion and tears, but I can remember the main gist of it, along with the fact that she was kind and gentle, but frank. She told me that she had been worrying. She quite understood that we wanted to honour our father and she in no way wanted us to feel unwelcome, but she thought that for practicalities sake we ought not to come.
Her reasons were similar to mine: a certainty that MJ wouldn't cope with the journey, an uncertainty whether I would be able to cope with both the journey and MJ not coping, the uncomfortable feeling that we would be saying goodbye to the Mike Collison that she had known rather than the one we had...she was also concerned about the weather; there had been flood warnings in her area and parts of the Scottish boarder - including the part our train would pass through - was flooded already with water levels rising. Public transport was being disrupted and according to the news reports might stop altogether within the next few days, which could leave us stranded.
So all in all, she believed it would be for the best to do what I had wanted in the first place and honour him at home. She would be fine; her mother and brother were there with her and the man conducting the service was someone that both she and dad knew quite well. And as for dad himself, she assured me through her tears (we were both blubbing for most of the phone-call) that she was sure that he would understand. He wouldn't want me or MJ to go through all that just so we could watch a coffin go through a curtain. His spirit was free and could be celebrated anywhere...
Relaying all this to MJ the next day, I watched his face for a reaction. There was none until I mentioned concerns over whether the trains would run due to the flooding, and then his expression changed from grim misery to something else. Hope.
Using my computer, he checked for himself. Sure enough; public transport in Scotland was in turmoil. It looked as though the journey was not merely inadvisable, but impossible.
The relief in MJ's face was so great it seemed to radiate. The previous evening mother and I had wondered between ourselves whether or not MJ might be looking for what the Americans call an "OUT"; a reason to not go that was not directly to do with him and therefore was not due to any decision he had made, i.e. not his fault. The theory was a good one. It would certainly explain why he kept bringing up the subject of mother having to fork out the majority of the cost of the journey; not so as it was something he wanted to blame her for, as much as that it would not have been his; a factor out of his control. And now, sat in the living room the day the final decision had to be made, the theory had been proven. MJ had his "OUT".
Right then. All well and good. We would honour him here. I had already previously booked the time off work; three days to cover travel there, the funeral and then travel back, and as far as the company would be concerned (at least until it was too late), that was exactly what was going to happen. That way I could do what I needed to do and then have the time I needed - ready for when I almost certainly went to pieces - to recouperate from it. So that was that. We would deal with things in our own way, in our own time; perfect.
Or so it should have been.
The best laid plans, etc. etc...
No comments:
Post a Comment