Tuesday, 30 September 2014

An Utterly Brilliant Quote -

- from the television series New Tricks (spoken by the character Gerry Standing):

"Beer is God's way of saying He loves us, and wants us to be happy."

Alice x

Sunday, 28 September 2014

A Little Bit Of Sunday Silliness:

~START~

The scene is set; two people are making their way along a dirt track cutting through an area of dense woodland. The air is crisp, the sky overcast, the trees rapidly changing into their autumnal garb. Ahead of the two women is an overexited black Labrador. Said Labrador is running for sticks. The reason he is running for sticks, plural, is because every time said Labrador chases after a - skillfully lobbed - stick, upon reaching it he promptly chews it up. This, after a time, causes the woman throwing (and struggling to find suitable replacements for) the sticks to become annoyed. Cue the following conversation...

ALICE: (at the end of her tether after yet another stick gets chomped) look for God's sake Bingo will you stop it!? It's not a hard concept; just bring the damn thing back! What, d'you think that sticks grow on...

MOTHER: (amused as Alice trails off) ...were you just about to say the word "trees"? You were, weren't you?

ALICE: (flushed pink) ...Yes. Yes, I was.

...Scene finishes with two ladies laughing at one lady's stupidity...

~END~

Friday, 26 September 2014

My Life Is Just A Never Ending Whirl Of Excitement...

Today so far I have:
     * Vacummed through.
     * (Thorough) mopped and wiped over the kitchen; including the window, doors and walls (which, depressingly, look just as they did before).
     * (Quick) wiped the living room.
     * Dusted my bedroom (not including the rocks. Those are a separate and special job) and changed the sheets on the bed.
     * Taken the dog for a stroll (just a little one. His main walk is later).
     * Popped a wash in.
     * (Quick) wiped the bathroom.
     * Worked out how to make the picture fit properly on the screen of my new second hand laptop (I have named him Billy, by the way). It is to do with the 'resolution, as it turns out. Ah well. Now I know.
     * Had a shower.
     * Searched again, unsuccessfully, for our missing adress book (where on earth IS it??).
     * Put the recycling in the recycling bin.

On today's MUST DO list still remains:
     * Hang the wash up outside once it is finished (pray God it stays dry).
     * Nip into town to pick up a few bits; the most important item being a good universal cleaning spray. I have been so unutterably fed up of having a cupboard full of bottles. This bottle for the bathroom, that one for the kitchen, another one supposedly for "general areas only; not to be used in food preparation areas", yet another one not to be used on chrome but "splendid for tiles", another for "use only on varnished wood"... it drove me mad. I had to keep using what was there, of course, (generously donated a terribly long time ago by The Grandmama) because to do otherwise would have been a sinful waste. BUT, now the lot of it is gone, finally. So now I am going to do as I like and buy ONE thing. Just ONE. That does EVERYTHING. So there.
     * Give the cat a snack.
     * Chop up the vegetables, meat etc. and shove it all into the oven so it can be cooking while I am doing my usual little two hour bint at SENSE from 3-5PM.
     * Give the dog a proper walk.

And last but not least:
     * I have promised to help The Grandmama sort out a few little confusions regarding her Kindle (whee).

...see? I told you. Wonderously exciting.
     I have no idea how I manage to contain myself, sometimes.

Alice x

Thursday, 25 September 2014

Something One Wouldn't Expect To Say During An Average Day:

~START~

"...Michel James, if that hedgehog ever goes missing, I swear I will hunt you down..."

~END~

Alice x

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Is It Just Me...

...that is disappointed by the newest version of Avast Free Anti Virus Software?
 
Not the fact that, after coming to the end of my 12 month term and re-registering, the layout has been messed around with. I expected that. 
     Though, admittedly, I don't see what was so wrong with the layout as it was.

Nor the fact that it takes up more space than it used to. I expected that, too, and I barely use a tenth of the harddrive's capacity anyway.
     Though, admittedly, I haven't found anything to suggest what the increase in size has been caused by. No new bits have been added on as far as I can see; the bits it already had have simply been moved about.

Nor the fact that the colours have changed. It's there to protect my computer, not look pretty.
     Though again, admittedly, there was nothing wrong with it before. What's with this trend to mess around with stuff that worked just fine in the first place? Why change what 'aint broken?

...Nope. I've no real issue with any of that. My problem is with the voice.

Avast talks, you see.
     When you turn the computer on, it says "Avast Virus Database Has Been Updated". Every now and again it says "updates are available". And when you ask it to scan the computer, it says "scan has been completed" once it has finished.
     Nice, huh?
     Or at least it was. The voice used to be that of a chirpy central American. Y'know the sort; the kind that famously spouts "have a nice day" and you picture being delivered with a bright, sincere smile? That kind. Anyway, it was nice.
     Now, however, the voice is not that of a bright faced, enthusiastic American. It is that of a bored, glum sounding Midlander. Y'know, the kind of voice used to say "cashier number one" by disaffected English teenagers whose mother's have demanded they find a saturday job or lose their car priviliges (or something like that).

And that just isn't a nice voice to listen to every time I turn on the computer, no matter how infrequent it is.

=SIGH=

I know that in the grand scheme of things this is petty and unimportant, and I know it's both unfair and ungrateful to moan about something I am using but not paying for, but still; I want my chirpy American back, damnit!

Alice x

Sunday, 21 September 2014

On The Plus Side;

I have been given a laptop by the Grandmama.
     Long story. Suffice to say that I didn't ask for it (not that I'm not grateful). 

On the other side; I already HAVE a laptop, so technically I don't need it.

On the plus side again; the laptop is only a year or so old and barely used, so in effect I am getting a new laptop. This means that it is lighter, quicker and altogether far more efficient than the laptop I already have.

Though, on the other side (also again);  I am used to the laptop I already have. 
     We have been through a lot, Niles and I. I am used to him and him to me. We understand each other. We are comfortable with each other. We are as friendly, I believe, as a girl and a machine can be toward one another without legal or moral boundries being crossed.

But on the plus side again; the DVD player on the new-ish laptop works, whereas Nile's does not.
     And the screen is bigger.

But on the other side again; the new-ish laptop does not have Microsoft Office installed, and therefore also does not have Microsoft Word: something which as I have previously described, is essential.
     So I would have to buy that. And at £99, it isn't cheap.

But on the plus side again; if I was to buy and install it, I would then have TWO laptops; one for upstairs and one for down. Which is what I wanted when I contemplated the buying of a Netbook.

But on the other side again; aren't I too reliant on technology already??
     Seriously; what individual person needs TWO computers?

...and round and round and round it goes...

=SIGH=

Why couldn't she have just refrained from buying a Kindle E-Fire (whatever the heck that is) and kept the damn thing? That would have spared me the current emotional quandry I am in.

Alice x

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Overheard At Pizza Hut:

~START~

"...get this, guys: I've got ALL the drink flavours!"

"...BACON!..."

"...Alex, get your face out of the urinal NOW!..."

"...that man has been on his laptop for the past twenty minutes. Who brings a laptop to Pizza Hut? The waitress just gave him a coffee and he's just ignoring it; look..."

"...who knew that so many flavours of SevenUp existed? Strawberry and lime; it's mental!..."

"....the coffee is going to go cold. Look, the foam is melting..."

"...Joe, do NOT copy Alex! Do NOT...boys, I am not kidding, get your faces OUT of there and STOP IT or there will be no ice cream for EITHER of you, I MEAN IT..."

"...  (singsong voice) It's my birthday and I'm going to have chicken, chicken pizza, yay yay yay..."

"...sparkler! Whee!..."

"...seriously, is he going to drink it? It'll be cold! Why doesn't he stop typing for thirty seconds and drink it?..."

"...Amy get OFF that chair before you break your neck! I'll get you another balloon, it doesn't matter!..."

"...Malcom, don't press every button on the drinks despenser. ...I don't care what Gavin did, you don't have to. It will taste vile and you are going to break it if you're not careful..."

"...now, buddy, listen, I've had enough. Either you sit down like a good boy and stop howling for no reason or daddy is going to take you outside. Which is it going to be?..."

"...why doesn't he drink it? It's been sat there for thirty minutes now. IS he going to drink it?..."

"... (whispered) Sara, I dropped my phone into the toilet! Help!..."

"...how on earth did you manage to get mayonaise on your socks?! You had shoes on!?..."

"...and then I dropped it...on his...you know..."

"...the longer I go without it, the more repulsed I am by the idea of it. Is that normal?..."

"...buddy, please, I'm begging you. Ooh, look! The nice man has brought you a balloon! See? Isn't that nice? ...no??..."

"...he isn't going to WASTE the coffee, is he? I mean, that would be a sin!..."

"... (still sing song voice) chicken, chicken pizza; it's coming coming..."

"...Miss Heath, Miss Heath! Brian is stuck!..."

"...do you think it'll work again once it's dried out?..."

"...I dunno, mum hates it when dad does that..."

"...Miss Heath, Miss Heath, he's got his face back in the urinal and he's LICKING it!..."

"...oohyeah! All the flavours again! Well, this time. Turns out I missed one last time...."

"... (delighted squeal) Here is my chicken pizza!..."

"...he wouldn't waste it. I mean, he's paid for it. They're £2.99, I checked. You wouldn't waste a £2.99 coffee... oh, are you going to the loo? Good! Look as you go past and see if he's drunk it while we weren't looking..."

"...let me get this straight, buddy: in your four-year-old brain a neon red balloon does nothing, but give you a half of a soggy breadstick and you're over-the-moon happy?..."

"...well, did you look? Has he drunk it? No?? But he's LEFT!?..."

~END~ 

Alice x

PS: I refuse to say which, if any, of these snippets were uttered by either mother or myself.
     ...Mostly on the grounds that it would make us look like a pair of coffee obsessed busybodies...

Monday, 8 September 2014

Questions I Have Asked Myself Today:

~START~

* why is it that two typically slow moving and - unless you keep on top of them - lazy people finally and suddenly speed up and develop a work ethic on the one day that the arsing around they are famous for would actually have helped?

 * why would anybody choose to wear a T-Shirt proclaiming "oil rich"?

* what the mother of God has my dog been eating??

* is it just me that thinks the - recent? - trend of females half shaving their heads is ugly as sin?

* why is it that children suddenly like me? I barely noticed it at first, but over the past couple of years it has become more and more apparent that sproggens are no longer afraid and mistrustful of me as they used to be, and I don't get it. I'm the same person that I have always been: what's changed?

* WHY WHY WHY is it fashionable for men to wear trousers so low that their underpants are visible? Not only is it not something I want to see as I go about my business, but it must be pretty impractical for the wearer as well; not to mention down right uncomfortable.

* if there is no God, how do we explain....everything?

~FIN~

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Fear Not, Ladies and Gentlemen (or, I should say, 'lady', singular); The Wait Is Over! For Alice Is Back.

So! Here I am. Miss me?
      .....Of course you did.
     And I'm sure you're all agog with curiosity, so I'll put you out of your misery.

Over The Past Month (or so), there has/have been:

* a lot of work and/or work related angst, not only for Alice and Mother, but also for Brother, Aunts, Uncles...

* a desperate struggling to regain a functional sleep pattern.

* a rekindling of rude health and character for The Grandmama since the operation for her hips was quietly shelved; a progression made sweeter by the admission of a possible overreaction from her youngest daughter - Aunt 2, that is - and the granting of permission to resume her much missed mid afternoon thimbleful of brandy and nightcap double thimbleful of port.

* a lot of resting done by Mother, peppered with knitting and tinkering on the piano. 

* a much needed week away from The Store; comprising of heavenly 7-AM starts, an evening on the town with Cousin 1 (well a visit to a restaurant. Between 6:30 and 9-PM. But there were cocktails involved, so that still counts, right?), two lunches at Pizza Hut, smatterings of inspired writing here and there, an utterly perfect day at the seaside, the reading of two new second hand books, and a whole load of lounging.

* an obsessive amount of brooding upon the subject of death, heaven and hell and two bouts of tears.

* a monstrous three day blip in the Get Alice Healthy plan, when Alice got all tired and achy and depressed about restarting work and all the horrid thoughts about dying and going to hell (or dying and becoming nothing at all; I haven't decided yet which would be worse) and typical to prior form, reverted to the tried and tested method of Lets Really Stuff Things Up And Pig Out Until We Feel Sick, Then When We Feel Good And Shit About Ourself, Lets Do It All Over Again.
     Results of said three day blip remain to be seen.
     But I'm guessing they won't be good...

* chaos in the Collison household due to our landing and stairs area being decorated (though that has finally finished, thank God), resulting in stress for the two ladies of the house, an overexcited dog and one mightily pissed off cat.

* a bold (but not rash) decision by Mother to leave one orchestra and join another to escape the great discomfort caused by the underhand and spiteful actions of certain members toward certain other members; actions that, while they did not involve her, directly, still left a bad taste in her mouth and an unhappy unease in her soul.

* the privilege of seeing many beautiful views - some seasidey, some not - along with the exciting (if fleeting) glimpse of various animals including a baby deer, a territorially aggressive dragon fly, dogfighting butterflies, a rabbit poised and listening and a king fisher streaking its way downstream like a neon blue bullet.

* four Collison Version dart games (I didn't win even ONE. How is that fair?)?.

* one series of Rosemary and Thyme (watched on the mini portable DVD player).

* the selling, finally, of Aunt 2's house and the move of the Porter family into temporary accommodation; Aunt 2, Uncle G2 and Fuzzy the dog moving in with Aunt 2's in-law's, and Cousin 1 becoming a guest of both The Grandmama and The Grandpapa depending on what shifts she is doing where.  
     Incidentally, an offer has been made on a nice bungalow by the afore mentioned Aunt and Uncle, so fingers crossed that they get it (for EVERYONE'S sake).

* several gallons of Pepsi Max drunk.
     Some of it, delightfully, 'cherry'. Who knew that 'Cherry Pepsi' existed? I sure didn't until five days ago.

* a corruption of the files on Nile's hard drive relating to Google Chrome. This resulted in a three hour battle to remove what was remaining of the half deleted and damaged files, clean the drive and start over again.
     Our Internet connection is now operating, therefore, through something called Mozilla Firefox, and a whole lot bloody better it seems to be, too. I never liked Chrome. I only agreed to upgrade from the ordinary Explorer - which I was quite content and happy with - in the first place because it said I had to in order to log in read my e-mails; a cleverly worded lie on the part of Google, by the way, as I now know.
     So that's another thing I'm cross about (because how DARE they?).

...On the same subject, the crash also resulted in a bout of hysterics from The Mother, as she was the last person to use the computer before everything went arse over tit. 
     I kept saying to her, I said; "mother, please, relax, this is not your fault. Google Chrome did not throw a temper tantrum, corrupt and partially remove itself because you typed the words 'who composed the song Where Have All The Flowers Gone' into the search engine and instead of a name, it brought up an ERROR message", but she wasn't having any of it.
     She wept with relief when I was at last able to tell her that it was all fixed...

* a visit to the bank to report a lost chequebook.
     Which, predictably, turned up again the day that the new one arrived. 

 And! Last but not least =drum roll=

* the opportunity for me to offer myself up as a personal bodyguard for The Mother against the WFSO mafia and after proudly assuring her that I knew some handy 'gangster lingo', utter the following phrase:

"don't yo' start wi' me girlfriend, or I may have to pop a cap in yo' goddamn ass."

...Mother was dreadfully impressed.

Alice x