Thursday, 28 May 2015

Things That Made Me Smile Today:

SIGHTS.

* The unencumbered joy of Bingo while on his walk. Rolling, burrowing, paddling, jumping; you name it, he did it.

* The seemingly endlessly variants of vibrant green provided by the trees, bushes and grasses.

* The eye-catching splashes provided by an equally endless array of flowers. Dandelions and irises; poppies and forget-me-nots; clovers and foxgloves; cowslips and bullseyes; many more that I couldn't name...they littered the floor and bushes, peeking through the greenery; a confetti of colour.

* The view of birds on the wing. From the slow graceful swoop of a heron on its quest for a new resting place (uninterrupted by unwitting dog walkers such as myself), to the breathtakingly fast paced dips and dives of swallows and the languid hops of the jackdaws and crows on their quest for dinner, to the tantalisingly fleeting glimpses of sparrows, tits and wrens flitting through the grass stems on their quest to get on with the business of living unseen; it was all wonderful and left me feeling enriched.

* The faint but unmistakable shape of the moon, three quarters full, emerging from behind the picture perfect fluffy white clouds sailing their way along a gloriously blue and sun-kissed sky.

* The ball of teeny-weeny little spiders - bright yellow - that spread out into a star shape as I blew upon them gently.

~~~

SOUNDS.

* The small "squee!" of delight mother gave upon being presented with her all-time favourite meal at dinner-time.

* The giggles of glee coming from a toddler as she fed the ducks and geese by the side of the canal.

* The sigh of satisfaction of a young boy as he sat on top of the fence he had just climbed and looked around him.

* The glorious chorus of intermingling melodies and cries ringing out into the air, created by score upon score of birds; some of which I had seen, most of which I hadn't.

* The loud splashing sounds created by Bingo as he bantered about in the nearby river, hidden by the undergrowth he had just tunnelled through.

* The chirp of all the crickets that I knew were there, even though I saw sight-nor-sign of them.

~~~

SMELLS.

* The onions and garlic simmering merrily away in the frying pan as the aforementioned favourite meal was prepared.

* The mingled scents of baking bread and cakes, coffee and burnt chocolate wafting through the open doorway of Greg's.

* Tobacco (as opposed to the cannabis that is so popular around here), coming from the cigarettes that the people gathered outside of the pub were smoking as Bingo and I made our way home.

~~~

OTHER.

* The cool, smooth feeling underfoot as I walked across the newly vacuumed kitchen floor (which needs mopping, still, but I do not care).

* The brisk blasts of air filling my lungs as the wind rushed its way around me.

* The realisation that I could combine three previously (semi) worked out ideas into one and merge them with The Story so that the plot will begin to actually make some sense again (whee!).

* The pleasant, neighbourly smiles and nods given by all the people I passed by today (a vast improvement of the various scornful comments along the lines of "oi, fatty!" I have been getting).

* The satisfaction of a Job Well Done at work as I left The Store (a rare thing these days).

* The pleasure of spending a while in the company of Best Friend 3 on her birthday, as we ate breakfast, talked and laughed and I got to see the look on her face when she read the nice (and true) things I had written in her card. 

~~~

...Ah yes.
     T'was a good day indeed...

Alice x

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

It's Late...

...work starts at 8-AM tomorrow (ludicrously late, I know. This is a result of The Company & The Store penny-pinching and trying to cover two separate shifts with one person), I am here; safe and warm in our lovely house that may need decorating but is safe and happy and has nice neighbours either side (well, there is a high probability...well, certainty, actually...that the tenants living to the left hand side of us are running a highly patronised cannabis farm, but still), the dog is also content and snoring loudly, and I am drunk.

THEREFORE!
     In honour of something my (pre-drunk) mind came up with earlier and quite tickled me:

ONWARD AND HOPSCOTCH-WARD! HA!

Here's to You've Been Framed.
     Yep.
     =raises glass=

G'night all.

Alice x

Not Much Has Been Occurrin'.

It's been pretty quiet here, all told at chez Collison.
     Not much going on. Nice and quiet.

I've just sort of waddling along, placidly; work, essential errands/tasks, stroll avec dog, rest.
     Wash, rinse, repeat.

Other than that, I've sung a little in various languages (badly, pronunciation wise), smiled and laughed a lot at various things (I am quite a smiley gal, on the whole), reminded myself (as I've been feeling quiet shitty) of my blessings, written the odd word or two here and there (to tell the truth, my heart really hasn't been in it at all since the abuse started) and watched/read a hell of a lot of stuff that I have watched/read hundreds of times before (because as well as doggedly counting my blessings, that is what I do when I feel shitty).

That's about it, really.

Apart from being poorly, of course.
     I've done that too, over the past two days (bad bug. I have missed 2 shifts. Not happy). And boy did it suck. But! I'm all better now and back at work tomorrow, which is both =sigh= and =smile= at the same time.
     So that's that.

.....Like I said. Quiet. Not much occurrin'.

.....Not really even worth talking about. So much so that I have no idea why I've decided to post it.

Post it I shall, though.
     Because I can.
     =EVIL MAD-SCIENTIST LAUGH=

Alice x

PS: oh, one exciting thing that happened a short while back: as I was removing the baking tray from the oven to check on things, a roast potato exploded. Just, =poof!= ; and said roastie was no more.
     I now have a burn on my arm approximately the size of a pinhead.
     And my top is ruined.
     .....Or at least it would have been had it not been ruined already.....
    

Friday, 22 May 2015

And First Prize In The 'Straw That Broke The Camel's Back' Competition Goes To -

- the two young louts I encountered upon walking home; one of whom sneered "oi sexy! Wow! Where've you been all my life?" while the other puffed out his cheeks and waddled exaggeratedly (the kind of waddling that only people too fat to walk unaided do, incidentally. That, or people being cruel) as they walked past me.

Congratulations, gentlemen (using the term as loosely as possible); you made a woman you'd (presumably) never laid eyes on before start crying right there and then in the middle of a public street.

Go you.

Alice.

PS: Oh, and bonus points must be given for the fact that upon seeing how distressed you had made me, both of you had the gall to actually start laughing. Loudly.
     Thanks for that, as well, you heartless bastards. That made the experience complete...

Monday, 18 May 2015

An Open Letter To A Depressingly Large Amount Of People:

{WARNING: this is LONG}

Dear Whoever You Are;

Did it make you feel good?
            Did it make you feel good and big and brave and manly, yelling out insults at a girl you’ve never seen before and will (hopefully) never see again?
Was there some kind of satisfaction; a sense of inner well being derived from that? There must be, for otherwise I can’t think why someone would do it.

You aren’t the first, you see. 
            It’s happened so often over my lifetime that I’ve actually lost count. Always during the summer and always coming from the mouth of the same kind of person; loutish looking young men – skinny young men – ranging from pre-teen to mid twenties in age. 
            Sometimes they are drunk, sometimes they are drugged, sometimes they appear to be neither. Either way, the result is the same. They lay eyes on me and make the conscious decision to yell at me. Sometimes the yelling is done from a fair distance away. Sometimes, as experienced about a week ago, it is done distressingly close to my face and so loudly that it makes my ears ring. Sometimes, as experienced a day ago, it is in between the two. Always, it is done from within the safety of a group of at least two people, usually more, and aimed at me when I am walking alone.

No matter how it is done, or who by, it always hurts.
            Really hurts.

Look, I know I am fat. Really. Believe it or not, I have noticed. I’ve even noticed that I am not just a little bit fat, but FAT, in capital letters. Really, I am aware of it. I am aware of it and aware that it isn’t the best way to be, but it is what it is. My goal, should you be interested, is to get back to a stage that my body is happy with, so that I am merely a little bit fat. It is something that I am working on achieving, bit by bit, in my own way.
            You of course, aren’t to know that (nor is it any of your business to). What you know about me is what you see, in those few seconds that our paths cross. That is how it is with strangers; they pass each other in the street, glance at one another, perhaps their eyes meet for a moment or two and a temporary connection is formed and then it is over. That is how it works. Generally speaking, anyway; or at least it is for me.
            Until, that is, I encounter people like you.

Do you hope that it upsets me? I suppose you must do, or you wouldn’t do it. That’s what people say about bullies: they do it for a reaction. No reaction, no point.
            That’s what you are, you know.
            A bully.
            Every remark, be it flung at some stranger in passing or jabbed in the direction of someone you know, is a form of bullying. You probably don’t see it that way; to you it may be merely funny, a bit of a lark, a ‘joke’. But it is. Or maybe you do see it that way. Maybe, as I said earlier, it gives you a form of satisfaction to act the way you do, knowing how hurtful it is.

And it is. Hurtful.
            You may not see it, at the time. Indeed I try very hard not to let you see it. So you may not get the sick little thrill you are looking for at the time. But I do react. Later. When I am alone. When you aren’t there to see me and gloat and get any more satisfaction from my distress than you may already have done.

People I have told about it – not many – say that you are simply ignorant, twisted individuals and that I shouldn’t pay any attention. That I shouldn’t let it get to me. You aren’t worth it, they assure me. I am worth a hundred of you.
            And I know that, deep down.
            I know that I am better than you are. It doesn’t take much to be that. Merely by refraining from slinging insults at people I don’t find to be particularly attractive, for whatever reason, I am a better person than you are.
But it goes deeper than that.
I am a better person because far from slinging insults, I very rarely even think them. Sometimes I do, before I can stop myself – nobody is perfect – but it is very rare, and on those rare occasions my conscience gives me a hearty kick and I feel not only guilty (and ashamed) but find my inner self asking what right I have to judge anyone about anything? It’s not as if, the Inner Me chastises, I am perfect, after all.

You see, that is what a better person than you, a nice person, does.

I am a nice person.
            Not a perfect person (not by any means), but a nice one. There are lots of such people around. Normal, every day, nice people; people that are not perfect, but would help another – stranger or not – in trouble and don’t feel the irresistible urge to go out of their way to hurt the feelings of others. We throng the earth in our millions, unnoticed for the most part by all the other nice, normal people around them (until, as I said, one or more of them need help).

People like you are (mercifully) a minority.
There seem to be a lot of you, but that is just because you are so much louder than everyone else, not because you are plentiful. What is the saying? The squeaky gate gets noticed first? You are like that. Loud, obnoxious, noticeable. But few.

I keep telling myself that. I know that.
            But it doesn’t make the hurt go away. It doesn’t make me dread going outside any less, knowing that any second I might encounter you, any of you, and that yet more name calling would commence.
            I don’t expect to be showered with adoration and admiring stares when I walk down the street. I know, as I said, that I am not shaped in a way that some find attractive (although lots of people would and do find me attractive, crazy as that might sound). What I would like, nay, what I deserve, is to be able to walk down the street and do so unmolested by the likes of you.
            That’s all I want.
            You can find me as disgusting looking as you like. That is your right. You can talk too, to your chums, about how disgusting looking you find me to your hearts’ content. That is your right, too. It’s not pleasant, but it is your right all the same. I am not denying that.
Just keep it amongst yourselves and leave me alone.

That is MY right.
Do you – can you – understand that? It is my right, as a human being. I have the right to walk down any street at any time and not be assaulted, be it physically or verbally, just as everybody else does (including you).
By denying me that right, you may not be breaking any laws (unfortunately), but you are infringing on my rights just the same, and morally speaking, that makes you a terrible person.
And terrible people do get their comeuppance in the end, somehow or other. I am quite certain that they do.
So be warned. Sooner or later, the universe will ask you to answer for it.
             
To sum up before I finish, here are a few facts about me that you would discover if you took the trouble to look past the size you apparently find so repulsive:

* I am funny.
* I am kind.
* I am (quite) clever.
* I am (very) pretty.
* I love to read (anything and everything).
* I love to write (same).
* I collect rocks, tacky ornaments and cuddly toys
* I am loved by many.

And last but not least, as I mentioned before earlier on in the letter; fat or not, there are many people that find me very attractive indeed.
            So there.

Yours, faithfully,
The fat girl people like you have more than once reduced to tears.

Sunday, 17 May 2015

A Conversation Via Text Message.

~~~

.START.

(Scene is set; Alice is walking the dog. MJ is at the Lion Hotel where he both lives and works. MJ decides to send Alice a text message. The following exchange ensues...)

MJ TO ALICE: 
     Hi, how are you both? What have you been up to?

ALICE TO MJ: 
     Hi. Well, Mother is manfully keeping going and crawling towards Saturday. I am allergy ridden and in the throes of a particularly unpleasant example of that special time of the month. We are both utterly exhausted. Tonight we shall be traipsing round and knocking on the doors of at least 35 houses in the name of Christiann Aid. How about you?

MJ TO ALICE:
     Well, so far today we have dealt with two domestics, one drug deal gone bad (arrests made), one nervous breakdown, two broken door locks and yet another guy meandering around with a crowbar.

ALICE TO MJ:
     .....So, business as usual, then.

MJ TO ALICE:
     Yep.

ALICE TO MJ:
     Whee.

MJ TO ALICE:
     Yep.

(Scene ends; with Alice and MJ both going about their business.)

.END.

~~~

Alice x

Tuesday, 12 May 2015

Ladies At Lunch.

It's time for (yet another) script from the life of Alice Collison, folks!
     Enjoy!

~~~

.START.

(Scene is set; Alice and Kayleigh are enjoying a well deserved lunch in a family pub. Both have ordered the same sandwich: chicken, bacon and cheese melt. With hers, Alice has decided upon chips as her 'free side option'. Kayleigh, the more health conscious of the two, opts for salad. Having finished the sandwiches, the attention of both girls moves onto said side orders and Kayleigh picks up a bottle of salad cream and begins the usual pre-use shaking ritual, causing the following conversation to ensue...)

ALICE: (pointing at the bottle) doesn't that rather defeat the object?
KAYLIGH: (amused, still shaking bottle) no.
ALICE: (doubtfully) are you sure? I thought it was really fattening.
KAYLEIGH: (shakes head, then as Alice raises eyebrows, hesitates) ...well, at least...
ALICE: (shrugs)
KAYLEIGH: ...well... (turns bottle round)
ALICE: (laughs) oh don't read the ingredients for God's sake! Really, don't. Trust me; it never ends well.
KAYLEIGH: (ignores, carries on reading) 
ALICE: (shrugs again, carries on eating chips)
KAYLEIGH: (finishes reading, sighs, bangs bottle on table unused, begins eating salad)
ALICE: (laughs again) bad is it? I did warn you.
KAYLEIGH: (glowers, says nothing)
ALICE: (not-very-sincerely) sorry.
KAYLEIGH: (sighs once more before reverting to her usual, pleasant self) It's OK. Better safe than sorry. That sandwich was fattening enough on it's own, anyway.
ALICE: True. ...(grins as another thought strikes)... I bet you're glad I didn't bring up the salt, aren't you, before you'd added that too.
KAYLEIGH: (rolls eyes) salt isn't fattening.
ALICE: well, yeah, but it isn't all that good for you, either, is it? I mean...
KAYLEIGH: (grumpily interrupting) oh, shut up!

(Scene ends with Alice smiling serenely at Kayleigh as she eats her last chip and Kayleigh, after a moment of pursed lips, smiling - at first ruefully, then properly - in return before digging into her well salted but otherwise plain salad; harmony descending between the pair once more and the 'elephant-in-the-room' otherwise known as pudding remaining unspoken of...)

.END.

~~~

Alice x

Friday, 8 May 2015

I'm In One Of Those Moods Today:

Therefore, much cleaning has been done and (as a terribly unsurprising result) the house looks better now than it has done in weeks.

I even cleaned the inside of the fridge and microwave.
     Truly, they sparkle (if you ignore all the rust).

I didn't deal with the inside of any of the cupboards though.
     I did the outside, but not inside.

That is a job for another day.
      When I am particularly desperate.

.....Or when Hell freezes over.
     .....Yeah, I think that then would be a good time.

Yep.
     =nods=

Alice x

Thursday, 7 May 2015

When You Start Talking To The Dog -

- as though he is a fellow human as a matter of course, without any intention of irony or indeed without even really realising you are doing it the majority of the time; is that a sign of being completely and unutterably crazy to a worrying degree?

.....Or is it only a worry if said dog answers back?

If it is the latter; I am fine.

If it is the former; well...I am not.
     At all.

=sighs=

Alice x

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Today Has Been A Good Day Thus Far.

So far on this brilliantly lazy day, I have:

* Successfully lain in until 10-AM.
(that is the latest ever, for me, folks)

* Spent a pleasant late morning and early afternoon communing with my Father's spirit.
(on and off, this was, and at the lowest and most basic of levels, but still)

* Broken through the writers' block and actually got a bit of work done.
(some of it editing, but again; still)

* Chatted with a friend
(whom I shall see tomorrow, all being well)

* Relaxed and watched some very funny/interesting episodes of Q.I.
(nothing to add, there, 'cept that t'was fun)

.....And last but not least, I:

* Walked the dog, during which I was not only treated to the usual sight of my dog enjoying himself but also the awesome vision of a heron flying low and doing some quite impressive wind aided aerobatics. And, as if that wasn't enough, as I walked home, I came upon a shiny coin that I thought initially to be an English penny, but found on inspection to be an American cent.
 (so, I am now the proud owner of - a tiny but definite piece of - American currency. Cool!)

.....AND!
     To make matters even better, later on today there is a very real possibility that I will get to eat a (hopefully generous sized slice of) some jolly good cake.
     And there shall (definitely) be whisky.

This Wednesday has been very good indeed.

Alice x

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

Not Something That I Envisaged Saying When I Got Up This Morning:

ALICE: (confused) What penis? What are they talking about??
.....=pause=.....
ALICE: (enlightenment dawns) ...oh! Yeah, I see; there it is...

Alice x

Friday, 1 May 2015

Say, What?

~~~

Said firmly and emphatically by a frail looking little old lady with flyaway hair, pale powder-blue in colour, as she hobbled past clutching at the arm of her male companion:
     - I tell you, Jefferey, the poison spider STOLE it!

~~~
.....I would dearly, dearly love to have heard more of that conversation.....

Alice x