4th January 2016.

Dad.

The last time I walked on the beach, I enjoyed the feeling of the salty air; the wind tousling my hair, the sound of the sea in my ears, the smell of the sea in my lungs.
     But above all that: I enjoyed the sense of you, plodding along amiably beside me.

You didn't speak. I couldn't see you. There were no footprints in the sand.
     But I knew you were there,
     And in that moment, that was all that mattered.

Happy Birthday, big guy.

Always,
     Alice. x

Things I Have Learned This Week:

*****

1. 'compromise', in Mother's world, translates to; 'I'm going to do what I want, so there'.
     - I mean, okay, it is HER pension money, but seriously; is it so wrong to ask her to spend it on HER, rather than on other people?
     - well, you may think you've won, but watch this space, Mother, because I 'aint done arguing the toss yet...

2. there is a simple, easy way to prompt a computer to print pictures from web pages that it doesn't seem to want to.
     - thank you, Geoffrey, for that.

3. no matter how many problems a friend has disclosed that she is having - physical, financial, familial, general, or all of the above - the correct response upon being told that she is pregnant for the second time is NOT a gasped "oh, no".

4. it is possible - somehow - for my beloved Mopping Machine, Petal, to suck pieces of debris up into her tank that are far bigger than the circumference of her pipes.
     - I also learned that this practice can cause a lot of problems later on.
     - I've grown to hate the fact that on Saturdays, someone else drives Petal. Every time I come in on Monday morning, something - usually small, always preventable - has gone wrong that I have to fix.

5. it turns out that I didn't know how to spell 'circumference'.
     - I thought I did, but I didn't.

6. 'BEQ' is Library code for; 'this item has been reserved'.

7. I want a rabbit.
     - I am not going to GET a rabbit. I have neither the space nor the time - or money, for that matter - necessary to adequately care for a rabbit, and so I shan't get one. But nevertheless, I still want one.

8. the main character of The Story has turned out to not be who I thought it was. Or at least, it IS, but it isn't.
     - still, everything is now clear and established and I now have a clear insight and feel for where The Story is actually supposed to be going, so I am very pleased. Now I am getting somewhere, and can start to make some real progress.

9. in order to have a chance of working in a school environment - as a Librarian or anything else - I am going to need to get some experience working directly with children.
     - at my request, the Library manager is looking into options that might fit around my current working hours, as is the nice lady attached to Kidderminster College. I'll probably have to wait until I know how much time I'll need for my course in January, though, before I make any definite decisions.
     - in any case, what with the course, and my volunteer work plumping up my CV, I have high hopes for finding a much better job in 2017.

10. one of the members of Store Staff fancies me.
     - it's a man, unfortunately, but still.

11. when talking to someone that struggles with English, I do what everybody else does and raise my voice - whether I like it or not - as though it will help.
     - thankfully, with effort and patience on both our parts, I managed to resolve the man's problem and get what he needed converted into a savable and printable form.
     - I didn't get to practice my new 'reveal all' trick though, as it wasn't do-able in the format I had to work with. But, oh well. We managed in the end.

*****

And that's it.

For now, at least.
     The week's not over yet, after all...

B.C.B.F.L.B x

I Always Wondered Why That Woman Didn't Seem To Like Me...

*****

 

~.START.~

Scene is set; B.C.B.F.L.B is making her way home via the library - she needs to order her dog's Christmas present, and the internet connection at home is unreliable - in the rain. As she walks across the college car park - wishing that she had remembered to put her umbrella back in her bag - she spies the one of the women that works in the café at The Store a little way off (nice girl, in her mid thirties, lovely and big and round with dark hair and a cheery smile. Married and heterosexual, but then one can't have everything); she is crossing the car park in the opposite direction, in the company of her mother - a sour faced woman of indeterminate age that regularly visits The Store and is in the habit of glaring unnervingly at B.C.B.F.L.B no matter how nicely she is smiled at in return - and noticing B.C.B.F.L.B, she smiles and waves. B.C.B.F.L.B smiles and waves back. As usual, sour-face does not smile and wave, opting instead for one of her better glares.
     As the two sets of people actually cross paths, the following snippet is overheard...

SOUR-FACE: (in stage whisper, eyeing B.C.B.F.L.B suspiciously) ...is that the one? The one that's gay?
NICE CAFE GIRL: (wearily) yes, mum...

Scene ends; with Nice Café Girl and Sour-Face carrying on their way, and B.C.B.F.L.B carrying on hers.

~.END.~



 

*****

In other news; as I sit here typing, Petal is mid-way through being fixed. She will be fully up and running by the end of the day.
     So tomorrow, I shall be able to catch up with all of the machining that should have been done yesterday and today, and I can rest easy knowing that I'm not going to be summoned in to discuss the repercussions of completely writing off a piece of equipment worth at least a few thousand pounds second-hand.

Also, I've ordered Caffrey's (he's my sponsor dog) and Bingo's (you already know him) Christmas presents. Caffrey is going to receive a football, which he'll love. Bingo is due to receive a new collar and lead, which I imagine he will be less thrilled about than Caffrey will be with his football, but he desperately needs them. And in any case, I'll make it up to him by getting him a pig's ear from the market as well.
     Now all I need to do is write my Christmas cards and begin my annual please-can't-we-decorate-the-house-early-this-year? battle with Mother (I always lose, but feel compelled), and I'll be completely ready.

...T'is the Season...

B.C.B.F.L.B x

And Thus, The Week Ends With A Slip, A Crash, And A Bang.

~.START.~

Scene is set; B.C.B.F.L.B is sitting in an office located in The Store's warehouse, trying to both work up the courage to make the phone call she knows she has to, and block out from her brain the image of the water seeping carnage that is currently sitting in a heap just outside the closed door at the same time. Eventually, she takes a deep breath, picks up the phone, and dials...

PHONE OPERATOR: you are through to The Company Central Helpdesk! Hello, my name is Stuart; how can I help you?
B.C.B.F.L.B: hi, Stuart, this is B.C.B.F.L.B. I am calling from the Kidderminster branch of The Store, and need to report a fault in our scrubber dryer machine.
STUART: uh-huh, okay no problem. Can I just take The Store's reference number please?
B.C.B.F.L.B: it is '13412'.
STUART: (typing) okay, good, Kidderminster, yes. We have two branches of The Company there. I take it that as you've mentioned a scrubber dryer, this is to do with cleaning rather than catering, so... - just logging in to the correct system - ...great. And can I have your first and last name please?
B.C.B.F.L.B: (...rattles off first name and surname, along with spelling...)
STUART: (typing) great. Okay. Can I have the make and/or model of the machine, along with the serial and/or bar-code number please?
B.C.B.F.L.B: (...rattles them off, too...)
STUART: (typing) right, good. Ah yes, the 'Profy Fimap', of course. It's a mopping machine.
B.C.B.F.L.B: (cheerily) yep. Her name is Petal.
STUART: (pausing briefly, but otherwise unfazed) right, Petal. So, B.C.B.F.L.B; what seems to be the problem with Petal?
B.C.B.F.L.B: well, thanks to me, she is broken. Badly.
STUART: (surprised) badly broken?
B.C.B.F.L.B: (nodding, forgetting that he can't see her) yes. BADLY broken.
STUART: (curious) what happened?
B.C.B.F.L.B: (breathing a deep breath in) right, well, see, I was trying to refill her batteries - I do that every couple of weeks - and if possible, I do it in the warehouse, rather than the cleaning cupboard, because there's more light there - I can do that, providing the warehouse staff aren't using the forklifts - and our drain has been blocked, so I've been emptying Petal's tanks outside in the Garden Centre - I can do that too, providing that we don't use chemicals, as the drains outside are linked to a river rather than a sewage system, so I've been cleaning the store with just water, which is fine; personally I can't actually tell a difference, and I'm good at spotting differences like that as I've been a cleaner for a very long time - so ordinarily I would have emptied Petal already outside, but this time I didn't because I needed to swill her tanks out and the cleaning cupboard drain can cope with one lot of water being emptied into it, so I thought I'd just do it in there, and so I drove up to the cupboard and was about to drive in when I remembered her batteries, and needing the light, and the warehouse wasn't in use at all so I knew I could do it, and so I lifted Petal's back panel - she has two sets of batteries: one at the front under the driving seat, and one at the back under her largest tank - to get started refilling, only I'd forgotten that I needed to empty the tank out first, and I hadn't, so it was too heavy for me and instead of moving slowly on it's runner into the open position it was flung away from me out of control and at speed nearly taking my arm with it and fell all the way backwards and slammed into the ground with a great loud CRACK and a BANG, and now her hinges are all busted open and bits have snapped off from somewhere - I don't know where: underneath - and so now she's broken badly, and here we are.
STUART: (stunned temporarily into silence by this fast, unstoppable outpouring of words) ...um...I...um...so...okay...let me get this straight. You forgot to empty the tank, and lifted the back panel, and...wait: why did you lift it up again?
B.C.B.F.L.B: to reach the tubs that her battery fluid is kept in, so that I could refill them.
STUART: (still sounding stunned) ...yes, right, of course. So you lifted the panel up to do the batteries refilling, forgetting that you needed to empty the water tank first, and because you'd forgotten that, it was too heavy for you, and so instead of opening normally, it...
B.C.B.F.L.B: (finishing for him) ...fell all the way backwards and slammed into the ground with a great loud CRACK and a BANG, and now her hinges are all busted open and bits have snapped off from somewhere - I don't know where: underneath - and so now...
STUART: (finishing for her) ...the mopping machine is broken.
B.C.B.F.L.B: yep. Badly.
STUART: (breathing out loudly) badly broken.
B.C.B.F.LB: yep. BADLY broken.
STUART: (after another stunned pause) ...wow. I mean...
B.C.B.F.L.B: (sagely) yeah, I know.
STUART: (breathing out again) ...that's just...
B.C.B.F.L.B: (sagely) it is.
STUART: (after mulling over the right term to describe it) ...dramatic.
B.C.B.F.L.B: (sagely) it was.
STUART: (sounding awed) I...I mean...wow. Are you okay? Are you injured?
B.C.B.F.L.B: (breezily) nah. I'm okay.
STUART: good. (recovering composure, he reverts and becomes a formally polite help-desk operator again) right! So. what damage seems to have been done?
B.C.B.F.L.B: (sighs) well, definitely the hinges of the panel are broken. And stuff has snapped off from underneath. Not to mention that Petal's back panel is currently hanging upside down. sat on the floor with water out of seeping out of it slowly but surely.
STUART: (typing furiously) can you lift the panel back up again?
B.C.B.F.L.B: (gloomily) no. My supervisor has gone to fetch some more people to try, but I think we might have to try and drive her back into the cupboard as is.
STUART: (still typing furiously) and water is leaking. Where from?
B.C.B.F.L.B: I can't tell definitely, but I guess her tank. (...has an idea...) if we can manage to get her into the cleaning cupboard, we may be able to reach her pipes to empty her out; then we might be able to lift the panel back up again.
STUART: (still typing furiously) good, good idea. Okay, I'm just finishing getting all of this down. So, you try to do what you said, and if you manage it and find any further damage that you can identify, call back and ask to be put through to me, okay?
B.C.B.F.L.B: (breathing out loudly) okay.
STUART: (stops typing) good. Okay. So, we'll leave it at that, unless there is anything else that I can help you with?
B.C.B.F.L.B: (hopefully) any chance you would consider telling my manager that YOU broke Petal instead of me?
STUART: (regretful but firm) ah, no, I will not be doing that.
B.C.B.F.L.B: (sighs, all hope lost) I thought not. It was just worth a shot. Okay. Thank you Stuart. Other than refusing to take the blame for something I did, you have been very helpful.
STUART: (cheerfully) no problem. Your repair reference is '91507'. Good luck.
B.C.B.F.L.B: (gloomily) thanks. Bye.
STUART: (cheerfully) goodbye.
B.C.B.F.L.B / STUART: (...both hang up...)

Scene ends with B.C.B.F.L.B and Supervisor managing, after several failed attempts to lift the panel back into place, to get Petal back into the cleaning cupboard. Once there, the tank is emptied, flooding the cupboard and the warehouse floor surrounding it with filthy stagnent smelling water, and at last the panel is able to be lifted back into place. Further examination identifies severe damage to the bar and the nuts and bolts holding it in place, so after dealing with the worst of the flood, B.C.B.F.L.B squelches her way back to the office and calls the help-desk back again to report it, leaving The Supervisor to finish up. Once both things are done, B.C.B.F.L.B sets about letting the manager of The Store know that Petal is out of action until repaired - as news of the accident has spread like wildfire, this comes as no surprise to anyone, and said manager can barely contain his amused smirk as he is given the information - and then ringing her own manager to inform her - as usual, the phone is off, so she leaves a message - before squelching her way back to the cleaning cupboard and collecting her things, finally able to go home. 
     She makes it outside The Store before her cheery calmness is replaced by something else. 
     Stood beside the exit, bag and coat in hand, she bursts into tears.

~.END.~

Y'know, beside the dramatic and tragically funny event detailed above, other happenings throughout the rest of the week seem pretty tame in comparison, but meh, what the heck?
     Here they are anyway...

*****

1. during my second one-to-one session at the Library with Client 1, my lack of understanding of how to operate the badly malfunctioning, barely responsive and callously unpredictable Tablet created enough frustration that Client 1 demanded my removal and replacement by somebody that "knew what the heck they were doing", then, as none of the Librarians available could make the damn thing work either, she left unsatisfied and with an appointment booked to liaise with the only other Digital Champion that the Library currently has (who, I am confidently informed, will have no more luck than the rest of us did, because whether Client 1 is prepared to accept it or not, the damn thing doesn't work).
     Other than that, things are going well, I am doing well.

2. rehearsals have started ready for Kidderminster Choral's grand Christmas Gala concert. As usual, we have a selection of well known carols, a few less well known ones, a handful of pleasing Christmas themed songs from a variety of musicals, and at least one modern monstrosity that while composed by somebody very skilled and clever, is dire and will be hated by 99.9% of the audience (along with 100% of the choir).
     Still, The rest of the stuff is great. Plus, Santa will be coming.

3. As the story has slowly developed and grown over time from simple, to less simple, to complicated, to more complicated, to why-the-hell-has-it-become-THIS-complicated?, to so-complicated-that-it-is-now-pretty-much-unworkable, I have become increasingly uncomfortable and unsatisfied with it.
     So! Two days ago I made a decision. The subject(s) surrounding the two main characters make(s) for a Story in their own right, independent of those involving the other character, so I have opted to accept this, separate them out, and go from there. So, now I have two Stories, about two characters, about two different things, and I have picked The Story of Character 1 as the one I shall be working on for the time being.
     ...hey; =shrugs=. Whatever works, right?

4. On Friday, I received a letter/card from my sponsor dog, Caffrey. In it, he waxes lyrical about how brilliant his life is and how excited he is about Christmas coming. He also drops several heavy hints about his need for a new football (or three).
     ...Yeah.
     Of course, I'm looking for one.
     I'm a sucker. Sue me.

5. I had another date.
     Or, rather...well...I don't know that I would class it as a 'date'.
     ...An 'experience'?
     Nope; =shakes head=. That doesn't fit either...

Anyhoot.
     A girl had sent me a few messages, and we chatted a little, and she's staying in Kidderminster right now, and wondered if I might be free for an hour or so for us to meet up in between classes, and on Tuesday afternoon I was, So - ignoring my misgivings about her use of 'text speak' and the gap in our ages - I agreed, and on Tuesday, I went, and; OH MY GOD.
     Best Friend 0.5 (1); remember what you said about your last date, and 'pulling teeth'?
     ...Yeah. It was like that.

She was very young (early twenties, according to her profile but seemed far younger).
     Over a glass of wine (mine) and a pint of whatever-the-heck-it-was (hers), we sat awkwardly and uncomfortably while I spent a frustrating hour trying to get her to SAY SOMETHING. I managed to learn the following:
* she was studying beauty at the college, along with taking a computer course.
     ...she had no idea what the computer course was...
* she liked going out with friends and having fun.
     ...as far as I could gather; 'fun' entailed going to various pubs/clubs in a large group and getting drunk - or as she called it; 'lashed' - with dancing and dope smoking occasionally thrown in...
* this was the first time she had gone out on a 'lesbian' date (emphasis hers).
     ...for undisclosed reasons, her friends were sure she was gay, so persuaded her to 'have a go'...

...and that was it.
     After prizing each gem of knowledge from her reluctant lips, I gave her a little tit-bit of information back about myself (I have no clue why: she sure as hell didn't ask for it), then my phone bleeped - it was The Supervisor, wanting to know if I could bugger up the weekend I had booked off several months previously to get her out of a hole she had managed to dig herself into. My answer was simple: no. - and Sigourney, as she was called, used this as her cue to gratefully take her leave and get back to the college.

After she left, I ordered another drink - non alcoholic this time - and sat watching the world go by through the window with a sort of half cheerful, half weary acceptance.

I have no idea what, if anything, Sigourney gained from her first 'lesbian' date, other than a very obvious realization that I wasn't the best choice of whom to have it with, but hopefully she was able to draw something positive from it.
     I sure did.
     I drew the realization that it is a good thing to LISTEN TO YOUR BLOODY GUT.

*****

So; work and usual family stuff apart, that was my week.
     I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.
     =bows. walks off=

B.C.B.F.L.B x

A Mixed Week.

The past seven days have involved a series of Ups and Downs.

UP: on Monday morning, I got to laze in bed until 7-AM before taking a leisurely stroll wi' t'dog.

DOWN: my first one-to-one on at the library didn't go all that brilliantly, due to the person in question needing help figuring out how to do certain things on her new Tablet, which I have no experience of using whatsoever.
    - Thankfully both the client (hark at me. I have 'clients'. Whoo!) and myself kept good humour throughout what turned out to be an hour fraught with problems - some due to inexperience, some due to the Library's computerized system playing up, and some due to The Tablet itself; which was afflicted with a reaction time so slow that the Tablet fell asleep half way through whatever it was doing and then get confused, and a malfunctioning Google Keyboard - and the client happily booked herself in for another session the following week so that we could have another go once I had spent a bit of time researching tricks of the Tablet trade.

UP: straight after client 1 had hobbled off, I had another appointment booked, and that went swimmingly

DOWN: after the successful appointment with Client 2, I fell up the stairs, bruised my hip, and strained my foot.

UP: while resting my foot under a bag of frozen peas the next day, I was able to relax guilt free (released from the usual inner screeches of: DO SOMETHING that I normally endure), re-watching some of my favourite episodes of N.C.I.S and C.S.I and getting a bit of writing done, along with chatting with a nice girl called Lara87.
     - The latter didn't come to anything, in the finish, but it was nice all the same. Anybody that has both the ability and the will to type in complete sentences is worth giving the benefit of the doubt in my book,

UP: during my volunteer stint on Wednesday, I put my Digital Champion skills to good use, helping folk with a range of issues; from navigating their way through the purchase of airline tickets, to scanning, printing and then photocopying a driving licence.
     - I know it's vain, but that awed/impressed look that people give me when I do something with an electronic device that I find easy but they don't? Yeah, I like that.

DOWN: as I left the library, I received a phone call and found out that Cousin 1 was unable to travel down to Kidderminster due to a problem with her car. It couldn't be helped, and we rescheduled our meeting for another day (actually a better day, for both of us), but it was still a bit 'Meh', y'know?

DOWN: by the end of said Wednesday, the slightly runny nose that I'd had for the past few weeks had decided to develop into a full blown cold. Sore throat, clogged sinuses, aching joints, grogginess, asthmatic cough; the works.
     - Considering that I was already limping quite badly, I found this a trifle unfair.

UP: on both Thursday and Friday, I got to have yet more guilt-free lazy days in order to try and 'get me right' ready for the choral concert on Saturday.
     - I got to cuddle the dog a heck of a lot, too. There were no more girls to chat to though, apart from the usual 'hey u hot like gr8 sex' crowd.

DOWN: my cold and poorly foot - although much improved - made my contribution to Kidderminster Choral Society's Splendours Of Baroque concert far less perfect than I would have liked.

UP: I still sang in the concert anyway (mostly), gave it my best - albeit ill - shot, and despite feeling incredibly wobbly, didn't fall off the stage or otherwise do anything to embarrass myself or anyone else.

UP: another Librarian post has cropped up. I finished the application today.
     - fingers crossed.

DOWN: today is the last day of my holiday. Tomorrow I am due back at work.
     - =SIGH=

UP: I have things to look forward to over the next few days, and will continue to have positive things to work towards for far longer than that,

And, that's it.

     ...Well, I think it's best to end on an UP, don't you?

B.C.B.F.L.B x

PS: as requested, Best Friend 0.5 (1), here is a picture:

Enjoy.

Lazy, Lazy Sunday.

I am being lazy today.
    Walking the dog, and typing up already existing snatches of The Story that I've had scattered across the house on various bits of paper in various notepads - and have been meaning to get around to sorting out - were the the only goals of the day, and I've accomplished both of them already.

Now, all that is on the agenda is relaxing.
     That, and catching up on episodes of Law & Order and N.C.I.S.
     Yep.
     Corpses, cops, and lawyers: you can't get more relaxing than that.
     =nods. yawns. stretches=

Anyhoo.
     Hi.
     =waves=

I haven't posted for a while, because my emotions have been all over the place, to the point that simply making myself get up in the morning to face another day has been hard.
     So, it's been as much as I can do to keep plodding along in the real world, let alone thinking of things to say within the cozy confines of my little online one.

But over the past few days, I have started to feel better.
     I wouldn't say I'm completely back to normal, not yet, but I've sufficiently improved enough to feel as close as being back to normal as is probably possible for the moment. Close enough to take real pleasure in things again; to laugh, and to smile, and to notice the positives in the world around me...
     Just better in general, really.

I have the next week off from work - my paid work, that is, my new, mini unpaid gig at The Library will continue unabated. My first booked one-on-one appointment is booked for tomorrow at 2PM - and have various bits and bobs to be getting along with; the main ones being helping The Brother to decorate his flat, practicing ready for the choral concert next Saturday, and getting more of The Story out of my head and onto paper (or, in this case, onto computer).

And, of course, spanning further into the future, I have other goals that I am working towards, too,
     Attending college and continuing to look for a better job are at the forefront, along with finishing one or more of the books I have been working on, and of course there's the next touring holiday to start saving for - that'll take about a year and a half. I was thinking Tuscany this time, or perhaps Croatia; they grabbed me as fascinating/fun - and once the 8 weeks probationary peroid is up I'll be hoping to extend and expand my duties at The Library, and then there are a few smaller things I have been (and intend to carry on) concentrating on as well.
     Plans are in motion, anyway.

This afternoon, though, as I said; there is only one thing I plan to do.
     And that is to sprawl out, kick off my slippers, and laze the day away.

Because I can.
     Yep.
     =nods=

...Happy Sunday, y'all...


B.C.B.F.L.B x

Nightmares Ahoy!

Boy, did I have nasty dreams last night.

I can only remember the one; the others - thankfully - faded away the way that dreams sometimes do the moment I awoke, leaving behind that uneasy, unhappy 'bad dream' feeling that we all know so well.

The one that I remember involved a little bee, or some other such buzzy flying insect, ending up in my ear, where it buzzed and buzzed in a terrifying and unpleasant kind of way while I, as The Brother (who happened to be there) put it - and forgive my language - "freaked the fuck out".
     It fell to The Dream Version of The Brother to rescue me, which to give him his dues, he duly did, annoyed by my histrionics or not.
     It took a long time and was a painstaking and brow sweating process - not helped by my continuing to "freak the fuck out", which entailed a lot of screaming and crying - but eventually, he managed it, pulling a mangled looking bee from my ear and holding it aloft in the manner of a conquering hero. Which, of course, he was.

- Speaking of which; Dream Version of The Brother, if you happen to be reading this, thank you very, very much. I am eternally grateful, forever in your debt, etc. etc.
     =bows=

Anyhow, that was my dream.
     Awful, wasn't it?

Even thinking about it now, hours later, gives me the shivers, so I shall stop, and instead shall stroke the dog.

That's much nicer.
     Yep.
     =nods=

B.C.B.F.L.B x